Rebirth
by Stealthmuffin
Summary: It’s hard to lose the ones you love most when you haven’t lost them because they’re dead, but because you’re dead to them.
1. Prologue

**AN:** Because even Jacob Black needs some loving, and not many people want to give it.

--

**Prologue**

--

I don't really know how to describe any of this.

I mean one second I was alive. My entire body was moving, shaking—from pain or excitement or anger, I'm not sure. Either way, though, it was shaking and I was very much alive. My heart was still beating and my skin was still warm; I could still see, smell, hear, taste, feel. I was… alive.

The next second… I was dead. Cold. Lifeless, unmoving, not breathing, no heartbeat. Couldn't feel, couldn't see, couldn't taste, smell or hear anything. Just lying there. I looked peaceful or something. That's what I was told after, anyway. Peaceful and like I was asleep; I looked even younger than usual.

One second I was a shape-shifter. I was strong, but still human; I smelled wonderful and could change my form at will. Nothing could kill me, nothing could beat me—nothing and _nobody_. I was indestructible, after all; everybody knew it. I made sure of that.

The next second… I was rising as a vampire. Cold and—disgusting. Hard as rock, faster than any kind of sports car or race car; I had the strength of more than one hundred human body builders and a better face than every male model combined. I smelled horrible and craved nothing more than human blood.

One second I was Jacob Black, and the next… I had no idea.

--

**AN:** I was doing research on a creature for a different story (an original fiction), when I came across this little tidbit of information:

"Vampires are only really "born" from the body of a dead lycanthrope. If the body of the lycanthrope is not burned soon after death, it will rise again as a vampire."

I did my research on lycanthropes as well and found that they were… just about exactly what SMeyer described her wolves as, so this little idea came about. I know it's not the most original plot in the world, but eh. I wanted to try and incorporate some of my research into something. ; )

Anyway, thanks for stopping by! : ) School starts tomorrow for me—Boo. : (

**I own a plaid bra that I'm ridiculously proud of, but not Twilight.**


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

--

Jacob Black.

He doesn't know if he can go by that name anymore. It doesn't seem right. That name was for when he was human, not vampire; when he was average, not dazzling. When he was fast, but not too fast; when he had to breathe, not when he chose to.

When he could stand to be in the same room as Bella without wanting to kill her.

"Jacob?"

The door opens and a tall woman pokes her head into the room. She is beautiful in every way, from her pale skin to her dark hair. He takes a deep breath—she smells wonderful. Not disgusting, like she should. Like roses and apples.

"Are you okay?" she asks. She approaches him cautiously, her dark eyes filled with concern. She'd just fed—disgusting. He growls; she stops, frowns. Her big eyes fill with hurt but she smiles hesitantly anyway. "I know this is hard for you—really," she tells him. "Being new to this whole thing is… hard, to say the least. But you know, we want to help make it easier for you. It's for your own good—"

"Just stop," he says. His first words in days. Short, to the point—full of his anger; resentment. He wants to be alone. _Alone_.

She sighs; closes the door. He is alone again—quiet, lonely, _safe_. He can't hurt anybody if there's nobody to hurt. He feels like he should thank Edward. He doesn't know what would have happened if the bloodsucker—vampire hadn't been there. Bella would have died; she'd be gone.

She just smells so _sweet_. It's impossible to resist.

He stands up; paces. Waits. He doesn't know what for. It feels better than sitting and doing nothing. He is a vampire now; strong, fast, beautiful. He is built to be an amazing predator; indestructible. He has energy. He wants to go outside, race between the trees, have wind blow in his face, his hair.

He wants the freedom that comes with not being human anymore; boundless. He can do anything. He can beat his old bike in any kind of race; he can probably beat Paul up with little to no effort; he can _damn well_ beat anybody in any kind of beauty contest.

"You're going to have to feed sometime, you know."

He knows that voice; remembers it. She is small and pretty and graceful. She used to smell sickeningly sweet; now she smells of mustard seeds and mint. Sharp. Not amazing, but not intolerable. He hates it. _Hates_ it.

"Go away," he growls. His voice is low, fierce—furious. Nobody will leave him alone. None of them understand; he's lost _everything_ by becoming one of them. _Everything_. He can't visit his home, his friends; his father. He can never see them again. His friends would hate him on instinct; his father would be disgusted to have spawned him.

Not to mention that he might kill someone if he smells them.

"No." She is defiant, stubborn; she doesn't understand. "It's worse if you don't feed, you know. Your resistance shrinks and you won't be able to stop yourself. You'll smell her on Edward and want to track her and take her." She swings her tiny legs; they look so fragile. He wonders if he looks so breakable as her or if he appears as strong as he feels.

"Sorry," he sneers; "I just haven't gotten used to the idea of drinking _blood_ yet. It takes a while to get used to, you know." He crosses his arms; flexes and watched his arms bulge. He used to be dark; very dark. He used to think that he'd look terrible with bone-white skin, but really; how can a vampire possibly look "terrible"?

He's not sure that it's a part of their vocabulary.

"I know it's hard," she tells him. "We all go through it, though. And we've all made it." She smiles and—he hates it. She is perfect, beautiful, flawless; he _hates_ it. He wants her to be human again so that she'd have—a gap in her teeth or a pimple on her nose. Something to break the stream of perfection that's threatening to suffocate him.

"Whatever," he says. He scowls. His eyes are red, not like how they used to be. He is hungry and he craves something to feed him. He wants blood—but can't go yet. He wants to wait. He doesn't know what he would do if he finds people in the woods. What if he smells them? What if he _wants_ them? He doesn't know if he'd be able to control himself, doesn't know if his instincts would take over his body.

Alice rolls her dark eyes; stands up. She isn't hungry. Is he really the only one? He feels pathetic.

She stops at the door.

"You know…" She pauses; hesitates. Her eyes look inward. She thinks, considers; makes up her mind and continues. "You know, I saw a vision with you in it." She purses her pale lips. "You… you made it as a newborn. You didn't kill anybody."

She smiles again and leaves Jacob alone.

--

**AN:** My chapters are all going to be short like this. They're more "fragments of thoughts" than chapters, I suppose. Either way, this is the first chapter, and the second will be out soon! : )

Thanks to: _SpiritualEnergy_ for reviewing. : )

**I own a really cute purse, but not Twilight!**


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

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Jacob crouches; doesn't know where to go first. It all hits him at once, like a wave crashing to shore—or a scent hitting his nose. It's confusing and amazing all at once; he can't think straight. All that makes sense is blood and drinking it. He knows he is safe, even if people are out; Alice told him.

He can smell the trees—sharp, sweet, nice. Fresh; it reminds him of the air-fresheners in his car, only bigger. It makes him think of better times, when he could still feel fast by driving a car. He misses driving.

Edward is standing by his crouched form now; it's quiet. He is tense; tries to empty his mind before Edward reads his thoughts. He waits; waits.

"It's not safe to go out alone you know," Edward says. He sounds weird, angry; like he still doesn't like Jacob. Jacob growls; bares his teeth. He wants to slash open Edward's marble throat; rip apart his perfect body. Break his teeth and see how dazzling his smile is after that.

"I can hear you," he says quietly; Jacob glares. Edward crosses his thin—but somehow still strong—arms and stands like a marble statue. Jacob wishes that he would become one and stay out of other peoples' business.

Without thinking, he lunges; latches onto Edward's fragile-looking neck with his delicate-looking hands and tries to stop him from breathing.

It works. Edward stops breathing. He stares at Jacob blankly, without emotion; waits. Jacob snarls; lashes out. Hits Edward in the face. Edward hits a tree; doesn't react. He stands up and wipes his face where he was hit, even if there's nothing there to wipe away.

"Are you done yet?" he asks.

Jacob snarls but doesn't move. (Calm down. Try. Breathe. Just pretend to be human again. It's not so hard.) He takes a deep breath; it calmed him down when he was alive.

He turns and looks; smells it before he sees it. Heartbeat. Pulse. Blood. And he _wants_ it. To drink and finally be satisfied for the first time since he's become one of _them_. He looks at Edward; knows he smells it too.

Edward's eyes widen, but Jacob is gone before the words can make it out of his open mouth.

Jacob sprints; knows he can beat Edward. Knows he can get there and kill before Edward can reach him. He knows he can do it; he knows that neither of them will resist the blood.

"Jacob!" He hears the shout long after he's taken off. He knows that Edward is not far behind; he has to go faster. _Faster_. "Stop."

He comes to the edge of a clearing; stops for a moment to look. Two faces; one old and wrinkled but full of so much more life than his. The other young and smiling and he doesn't know if he _can_. Pretty; without a second thought, he pounces.

Before she even has the time to see him, he bites. The time it takes for her to die is enough time for him to sink his teeth into the old man. The blood falls into his mouth so slowly, so tantalizingly, so _deliciously_. It flows down his throat and it tastes so _sweet_ and he's never enjoyed something so much. It's like a feast for a starving man.

He feeds; finishes. Cleans himself up and turns around to see Edward. Quiet, frozen, _staring_. Jacob smiles and shows his red lips and sharp teeth.

All that he can think is _She lied, she lied, she lied_.

--

**AN:** I know. I know. I _actually_ made him kill a human, just after Alice's prediction? Well-- it happens, I guess. : ) I just don't think that he'd have the perfect control of a long-time vampire. Jacob's impulsive. Others may have different opinions, but this is mine. And, to me, it feels so much more right than if he'd let them live.

Oh. And the next chapter is going to be very short… you've all been warned. But! It'll probably be out sooner this way! Yay!

That being said, here's the second chapter! Thanks to: _SpiritualEnergy_ and Nhler17 for the reviews! It's always greatly appreciated. : )

**I own… this story itself. The way I'm writing it, I mean. I don't own the characters or the original concept of ****Twilight****-- that belongs to Stephenie Meyer. : )**


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

--

Jacob remembers that the little girl had brown hair and big eyes. She was all about smiles and flowers and butterflies. Carefree and innocent. Beautiful in her own natural way. Trusting. Too young for her own good.

He wonders what would have happened if he hadn't been turned. What would have happened if maybe, she had been his choice as an imprint. Would they have lived together, long and wholesome and old and full of the wrinkles that her grandfather had? Would she have loved him and smiled at him?

He tries to think about it for a moment; life with the little girl.

_Her name is Alexandra and she likes to wear skirts. But not short skirts; she's not a slut. No; she likes jeans and pink. And bubblegum. Sometimes, they like to have contests to see who can blow the biggest bubble with their pink and rosy bubblegum._

_She is cute and knows it, and they have a happy family together with three perfect children; two girls and one boy. One girl has red hair; the other two have dark brown. They smile and look like the angels that he can never be._

Jacob regrets feeding on her; no longer hungry, but _so much_ regret. He hurts everywhere. His head, his heart; his conscience. He doesn't know how to do it. _He doesn't know_. He knows that he has done something _so wrong_.

She is innocence and smiles and butterflies and roses. She is sugar and sparkles and trees and grass and sunlight and nature. Young; carefree. She's blind to everything that's wrong in the world.

The little girl reminds him of a girl he loved when he was still human.

--

**AN:** Well. Almost a filler chapter, I guess. Not exactly. This chapter was a part of the previous chapter's first draft, which was completely changed, in the end. : ) I didn't want to let it go, though, so I decided to give it its own individual chapter. I couldn't resist it. : )

Next chapter might take a while to get up. School is finally starting to pick it up and I'm getting projects all over. I'll try my best, but writing fanfiction really isn't a top priority for me right now. ; )

Thanks to: _SpiritualEnergy_ and Nhler17 for the lovely reviews! : )

**I own my nifty Harry Potter computer game (which I've totally been nerding over), but not Twilight.**


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

--

He goes into Alice's room; tears up everything that he can find. He sits in the piles of destruction; waits. She's going to have to come back eventually. She's going to have to admit that she is a _liar_ and a terrible person.

"Jacob? What—happened?" She opens the door and her perfect body is standing in her room. Her little fists are clenched and her eyes are narrowed at him. He's surprised that someone so tiny can look so threatening. "What did you do?"

"You lied," he says simply, like that's all that there is to be said.

"What are you talking about?" she asks.

"You told me," he says very slowly; calmly, "that I made it as a newborn. You said: you didn't kill anybody. Those were your exact words." He glares into her amber eyes with his red eyes. Only _monsters_ ever have red eyes; only _monsters_ feed on innocent girls.

Breathe. In. Out. Calm down. One, two, three.

"I didn't lie, Jacob," Alice says quietly. He sees it in her eyes; anger. Guilt. Worry. Drained. "My visions are wrong sometimes. It happens." Her small fists unclench; she doesn't want to fight anymore.

"Then why would you tell me something so _certain_ if you didn't know it was going to be true?" he snaps. His lips curl back in a grimace. "Why would you make me think I was safe when I'm _not_?"

"Why would you depend on something so prone to change?" Alice says. She looks at him like he's stupid and he feels it all build up inside him; ready to explode. "Just because I say it doesn't mean it's set in stone. The future changes with every little decision you make." She sits down on the ground; closes her eyes and speaks.

"Let me explain; you're a human. You're deciding whether or not to eat breakfast one morning before going out to school. If you don't eat breakfast, you make it to school on time. If you do eat breakfast, you leave five minutes later and get killed in a car accident." She opens her eyes and looks at him. "I can only see the future that you decide on. When I told you that, you had a firm mindset; you weren't even going to hunt until this phase was over.

"I guess it's my fault, in a way," she continues. "If I hadn't told you that, you wouldn't have gone hunting. But your mindset changed when I told you and you decided that you _would_ hunt." She sighs and rubs her temple, as though she has a headache. It's too much of a human gesture for one of her kind.

Jacob growls at her threateningly; she doesn't respond. He falls back; stares. She is still as a beautiful statue built of marble. He looks at her and for the first time _ever_, he sees that she's not perfect. She looks tired and worn and just _not happy_. Her power has flaws and she feels responsible for when something doesn't go as seen.

So instead of fighting with her, he leaves her. Out the door; she is alone. She sits still and—like a marble statue—doesn't cry.

--

**AN:** Well, here's the next chapter! Sorry it's been eleven days since I updated—but, as I've already used as my excuse, school's been killer lately! So I'm not sure how much longer next chapter will take, but I hope it's not this long! : )

Anyway, thanks to those who've taken the time to stop by and read! Special thanks to: _SpiritualEnergy_ and Nhler17 for reviewing! : )

**I own a ****very**** soft blanket! : ) It's really nice. I ****adore**** it. But I don't own Twilight.**


	6. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five**

--

Jacob promises himself that there will be no more accidents. That he will be careful and nobody else will be attacked. That he will be _safe_ and maybe, someday, be happy once more. He promises himself that _nobody_ will ever be attacked like that again.

He promises himself that there will be no more Alexandras.

It's unfortunate that he can't even sleep anymore. There's no break from the stress. There's no time to close his eyes and _relax_.

There's no time to escape his life and run away with Isabella Swan every night.

He worries about Billy. Every second of every day, somewhere in the back of his mind… there's Billy. Billy doesn't know how to take care of himself; he's always had Jacob to depend on, but he's all alone now with nobody to help him.

He misses them. All of them. It's like he didn't only lose his life; he also lost his _life_. Everybody around him; everybody that mattered. He has no more Paul or Embry or Quil or Seth or Leah or Sam or Billy or Bella; no more connections with humans (_which might not be such a bad thing for him_).

He wonders, sometimes, what they're all doing; what's happening with them. And he decides; he's going to reach out to them because _maybe_ their history together will be enough. Maybe they can still talk and laugh and get over the horrible smell that they can't stand; maybe they'll learn to be _able_ to handle it.

He looks down at the phone and wants to dial the number, but he doesn't know if he should. He doesn't know if he should reach out and try to touch their lives once more. Now that he's so ice-cold, he wonders if touching their lives will make everything so cold for them, too.

He bites his lip.

"What's the big deal?"

Jacob looks up. She's standing in front of him; she's clearly the most beautiful of them all. None can compare with her. Statuesque and blonde with a body that models would kill for; not unhealthy, only amazing (_but what else is new?_).

"If you want to call, call. It's not like it'll change anything with any of them, you know." She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. Rosalie gives him a perfect smile that he hates to see. "If you don't want to, don't. Worst case scenario is that we come back in ninety years and they're all dead. Whatever."

She shrugs and looks at him.

"What are you talking about?" he says. "That's a _terrible_ thing to happen. I won't know _anything_ about them by then."

"So call. Get to know them. Stay in contact. It's your life." Rosalie shrugs again and walks away from him.

Jacob stares after her and looks down at the phone in his hand. He puts it down; turns to walk away. He pauses at the door; it takes him less than a second to be back by the phone and dialing.

--

**AN:** Ahhh! It's been a week since an update! I'm sorry. : (

Just as a warning, though; there probably won't be _any updates throughout the month of November_. I've decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, which means that my month of November is taken up _only_ by the story that I'll be writing for it. That being said, I'm trying to write as much as possible for this story _now_, before November comes.

Sorry. It just sounds like fun. : )

Thanks to anyone reading, and special thanks to: _SpiritualEnergy_ and Nhler17! Your reviews always make me happy. : )

**I now own ****Fight Club****, the novel, but I don't own Twilight.**


	7. Chapter Six

**Chapter Six**

--

"_Hello?"_

Jacob sucks in his breath.

"Dad," he says. Relieved; he's missed this voice so much. Old and cracked but familiar and it feels like _HOME_ and safety and love and _life_. It's comforting; he hadn't realized how much he missed it.

"_Jacob?"_ The voice is uncertain and confused. Billy doesn't know what to say; Jacob doesn't know how to react. There is silence for a minute; Jacob decides to break it.

"Yeah. It's me."

He feels almost like something is different now. Like something's changed. Like Billy's not the same—_or maybe it's me_. Like life—and death—have somehow changed. Like Billy isn't his father and he isn't Billy's son.

"_What do you want?"_

Jacob is surprised by the angry tone. He's hurt by the repulsion; hatred. The _go away and leave me alone_, the _you're not welcome here_. He knows that he would be crying if he could.

"Just—I just called to see how you were doing," he says. "I don't want to lose everything because I was changed. I miss you guys, Dad. I miss you and Sam and Quil and Embry and Leah and Bella. I miss you all and I just don't want to lose everything."

More silence. It drags and drags and Jacob wonders if Billy's still there or not. He can hear breathing though; he knows that Billy's still there so he wonders _what's taking so long?_ It's not that hard to answer; it can't be. A yes or a no answer; _yes, we miss you too and will accept you_ or _no go away; you're dead to us._

"_Jacob__—you can't. We can't."_ Billy hesitates; stops and thinks because he doesn't want to say it. Jacob holds the breath that he doesn't even need; selfish. _"You changed, Jacob. It's not my fault. It's nobody's fault. But it's what happened. And now,"_ he says, _"you're not welcome here."_

Jacob closes his eyes; wants to cry. He _wants_ to cry _so, so badly_, but it's not working. It won't come. His eyes are dry and his skin is perfect; he's pale and beautiful, but he somehow doesn't _feel_ so beautiful. He doesn't _feel_ so invulnerable. He doesn't _feel_ so strong and independent and powerful and amazing and Bella has always been lying to him because she always said that _it's not so bad to be one of them._

"_The pack won't want to be in your presence and, quite frankly, you disgust me. You're not the same anymore; you're dead and, to be honest, I'm scared that you might try to kill me if we're alone together."_

Jacob drops the phone. It hangs on its cord; he wants to unplug it. He wants to run and find some way to just _end it all_. He wants to run and find some way out of everything that's ever been. He wants to run and find some way to go back and avoid being killed. He hates it. He hates that he was killed that one time, not because he _died_, but because he has to live in his death and he has to live in a body that he _hates_ in his death.

What he wants more than anything, though, is to run and phase and never turn back.

--

**AN:** So here's the sixth chapter of this story. It begins to wrap itself up, in a sense. No more wondering about what might have happened, anyway. Now Jacob knows, even if it _does_ suck. Like, a lot.

And… and I think I've decided on a bit of a one-sided romance. Kind of. Maybe. If I can make it work in the later chapters, which I think I can. I hope. : ) I know. I'm a freak. Oh well. : D

**Thanks to:** _SpiritualEnergy_ and Nhler17 for the wonderful reviews, of course! : ) They make me so happy to see!

**I don't own Twilight, only what I have written here. : )**


	8. Chapter Seven

**Chapter Seven**

--

Jacob sits and stares at the phone; it's still hanging on its cord. He doesn't know what else to do, really; just sit and stare and wonder about life and death and all those little things. A small part of his mind is blaming Rosalie for everything (_stupid, stupid, stupid, I HATE YOU_), but he _knows_ it's not her fault. He's the one who picked up the phone; he's the one who made the call. He's the one who saw it coming but still hoped for the best, because what else does he have?

Billy. He never thought that Billy would say something like that to him. It's so shocking; hurtful. Depressing. He's lost and confused and wants _so bad_ to disappear somehow. He wants to go away. He wants to make it so that it's like he never existed.

He's decided. He's going to run. He's going to open his window and leap and run away forever. Nobody will miss him; the Cullens don't like him; he doesn't like himself. Billy doesn't care for him; Bella probably hates him for the attempt on her life.

Nobody will notice.

He stands; walks to the window and opens it. He looks around; nobody is there. He takes a big breath and leaps; lands _perfectly_ on the grass. He pauses for a moment; breathes even though he doesn't have to.

He sprints.

He doesn't know where he's going; doesn't care. He just wants to go and feel free like he always used to. No restraints; nothing to hold him back. Running and nature and freedom and maybe _life_.

He runs without direction; without destination. He runs and goes as he pleases. He can stop where he wants; pause if he feels so inclined.

But no—he hears the footsteps. They pound in his ears and in his chest. They're loud but so smooth; not a single tree branch breaks. He pushes himself; tries to run faster. He wants to outrun Alice; has to. He can't be caught; _can't_ be.

He still doesn't know where he's going; he only pushes himself and runs and ducks beneath branches. He sprints and jumps and ducks and it all feels so natural to him; he'd done this so many times when he was still _alive_. For some reason it's almost comforting. Like a race between him and Paul or him and Leah or Seth or Sam or _anyone_.

So he gets down on all fours; speeds up and starts to laugh a little bit. It's like he's human again only he can't feel the wind on his body and he's cold and hairless.

As he starts to recognize the forest surrounding him, he slows down. He comes to a full stop only when he's inside the clearing. He sees the tree and he's aware that Alice has caught up. He doesn't want to play anymore; he's ready to give in and go back home and forget everything.

"Jacob," she says quietly. "Jacob, what were you thinking? You _can't_ go out on your own." She walks sternly to him but he doesn't care. He stares at the tree and it all comes flooding back to him. A small girl with a big smile and even bigger eyes. Wide with fear. Mouth open and scream coming out. Scared. Terrified. _Dead_.

"Alice," he says. He looks at her. She looks tired and worn and not at all like the perfect vampire she should be. He's somehow happy to see it so. "I'm going to need your help." He's made up his mind and knows that she sees it too because of the look she is giving him.

Eyebrows furrowed and confused bronze eyes. Biting her lip and rocking on the balls of her feet. Alice looks like she doesn't know what to do but Jacob doesn't need her gift to know how this one will turn out.

She nods; Jacob smiles. They get to work.

--

**AN:** Well here's the next chapter! : )

I don't know when the next one will be, due to the fact that I'm not allowed to touch computers at the moment and am only touching this one because I'm pretending it's for homework. ; ) That being said, I don't know if I'll be able to update again for a long while, so if you're willing to wait for me then great! But if not… sorry, and it was nice having you read for this long as it was. ; )

That being said, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and **thanks to: **_SpiritualEnergy_, twilightfan922 and _Nhler17_ for taking the time to review! : )

**I don't own Twilight; I will, however, own the vampire novel that I'm going to be writing come November. ; )**


	9. Chapter Eight

**Chapter Eight**

--

"So how does something like this… happen?"

Bella is standing in front of Jacob; it's taking everything in him to not pounce (and maybe having Emmett and Jasper hold him back is helping a little bit). She smells so wonderful; he isn't used to being so close to a human for so long. Focus. Focus. He can't kill Bella.

_No more Alexandras_.

He holds his breath; refuses to breathe again until Bella is safe and gone. She can't tempt him if he doesn't let her. She's much too precious to let die.

"It's quite simple," Carlisle says. Jacob somehow hates the formal way that he speaks; it's unnatural. It's so perfect. But he knows that he can get used to it. "It doesn't happen very often anymore, but it's not altogether unheard of."

Jacob feels strange, standing as he is now. He feels like an animal; doesn't like being restrained. It makes him feel unsafe and wild and he just doesn't like it. He wants to be tamed, if only so that he can go and be safe around humans.

"There are two ways that a vampire can be born. There's the traditional venom method, where a human is bitten. With the venom is a person's system, their painful transformation slowly begins, right?" Carlisle says. Bella nods; her hair bounces and Jacob knows that, were he not holding his breath, he would be hit by a fresh wave of her delicious scent.

"It happens when one of _his_ kind dies," Edward says, a little bit resentfully. Jacob gives him a dirty look. Edward flashes him a toothy grin in response; Jacob wonders (not for the first time) what Bella sees in Edward. "If their bodies aren't burned soon after death, they don't _die_—they become one of us."

Jacob hangs his head; _shame, shame, shame_. He can't even stop himself from becoming that which he hates. He can't even _die_ properly; if he can't manage to die, what _can_ he do? He doesn't know what will happen if he loses Bella too. He's lost his friends, his family; he can't lose his Bella, too.

She's looking at him; he refuses to meet her gaze. She's going to hate him. He knows it. She's going to turn; walk out of his life just like everybody else. She's going to laugh in his face.

She walks towards him; pauses. Puts a hand on his cheek. He's surprised that she doesn't get frost bite from his cold skin. She smiles encouragingly and Jacob feels almost okay. He feels almost warm; almost alive.

Bella always did know how to make everything better.

--

**AN:** So. That grounding was actually much shorter than expected. : ) I totally struggled with this chapter though. I didn't know how to write it so that it wasn't too like… info-dumpy, you know? So I tried to split it up in a less info-dumpy way—hope I did an okay job. ; )

And no. I haven't forgotten what happened last chapter. We find out by the end of the story what happened, naturally. But where's the fun in just outright telling you all what they planned? : ) For the record, I think it's obvious—but that could just be because I'm writing it and have had it planned since the beginning, haha. : )

**Thanks to:** _SpiritualEnergy_ for the review. : ) You know how I love them!

**I own my shiny "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" DVD, which I got for my ****birthday****! But I don't own Twilight. That belongs to Stephenie Meyer. ; )**


	10. Chapter Nine

**Chapter Nine**

--

Jacob leads Bella away from everybody else; holds his breath. He doesn't want to risk killing her but he can't talk about anything in front of everyone else. He takes her hand and starts to walk away with her.

Through the trees, through the forest, into the clearing. She simply follows him; doesn't protest. Can still probably read him; knows that this is more about what he _needs_ than what he _wants_. She is silent and solemn; he tries to speak as little as possible so that he smells her as little as possible. The less he gets to smell, the lower his chances are of losing control.

_Monster, monster, monster_.

Her hand is so warm in his and he remembers a time when hers would feel like ice. Their roles are reversed; she is now his sun. She is tiny and breakable but she is his sun and he is her moon and together they are the world.

He stops once he has reached it. He recognizes the big stone slab that he'd brought into the clearing. It is big and misshaped, with vines climbing around it artistically, like they've been there forever. Alice did a good job on those and the carvings in the stone.

_Alexandra_

_The first and last time_

_I promise_

Bella drops his hand and reads it; pauses. "Who's Alexandra?" she asks; she doesn't know if she wants to know or not.

Jacob freezes; doesn't want to tell her. She won't want him. She'll think he's a monster. (_Can't hurt her if she's not around_.) Closes his eyes and answers. "I killed her," he says quietly. "It was an accident—it wasn't supposed to happen." He would cry if he could. It's been so long. Too long. "Edward tried to stop me but… I was hungry."

Bella is silent. For the first time, she looks at him and _really_ looks at him. She stops seeing only Jacob Black and now sees a vampire. A fearsome, bloodthirsty vampire. It doesn't matter that he sparkles in the sunlight and it doesn't matter that she's known him for so long. When stripped to his very essence, he is a vampire and he wants to kill her.

And, for the first time, she looks genuinely scared of him.

He takes her hand in his once more and she tries to jerk it out but he holds on tightly. She looks at him with scared eyes but tries to stare him down just the same; Bella will always be Bella, after all, even if Jacob will not always be Jacob.

"Jacob," she says; her voice trembles a little bit. "Why did you bring me here? What do you want?" Her voice demands an answer; her eyes beg to go painlessly.

She doesn't trust him now.

He doesn't really blame her. He wouldn't trust himself either. It still stings though; she was supposed to be the one who always made everything better; she was supposed to _fix_ things, not break them. She was supposed to work tirelessly and endlessly to sew him back together slowly.

Instead, she's leaving him to fall apart; even taking the knife and cutting a few times herself.

It's heartbreaking, really.

"I'm better now, Bella," he insists. "I don't get so hungry now. Please trust me. It hasn't happened again once, I promise." He neglects to mention that she's the only human he's allowed himself near since then. "Bella, I just want to ask you a favour. Please. Please tell me you can do it and then I'll be gone forever. I promise."

She looks at him; his eyes plead with her. She looks troubled and uncertain but he knows what she will say. She closes her eyes; sighs and answers. "What?"

"Take care of Billy for me."

He turns and he walks away from Bella, leaving her alone in the forest.

It's a painfully familiar scene for her because her heart is breaking all over again.

--

**AN:** There's maybe a chapter or two and an epilogue left in this one—very short story indeed. : ) It's coming to a close, which is happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I've _actually_ managed to finish a story, but sad because… well, I've finished a story. ; ) (There's just no winning…)

Sorry for the like week-long delay in updating. My November is packed with writing because I'm participating in **NaNoWriMo** this year, which I've mentioned before, and which takes place in the month of November. (I am currently 5k behind schedule word-count-wise… so I plan on tanking it this weekend. ; ))

Now then! I'd like to draw a quick attention to the poll in my profile: why do I have such a poll, you may ask? Well, because I felt like it, of course! : )

**Thanks to:** _SpiritualEnergy_, FashionDiva7, _Nhler17_ and Humanfire for the reviews! Yay you guys! : )

**I own very brightly-coloured socks that I enjoy wearing more than I probably should. But. I don't own Twilight.**


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

--

I've been how I am for a month now, and I've learned a thing or two during that month.

For one, no matter how hard I try, Bella Swan will always be a big part of my life. Even after I left her in the forest that day, she keeps on coming back to me. She keeps on wanting to make things better. What I don't think she realizes is that she can't make it better until I let her, and I don't know if I'm ready to let her do that yet.

For another, it's really hard to live a life without my family. I really miss Billy and I'd even bet against Alice that Alexandra's family misses her. What Billy said really hurt me. It's really hard to lose the ones you love most when you haven't lost them because they're dead, but because you're dead to them.

But I think I can understand why Billy said them, and, to be honest, I probably would have said the same thing. It's not that he doesn't want me; it's not that he doesn't love me. It's that he loves me _too_ much. Making a clean break is easier and less painful than dancing around the severed wound, after all. You can bet that I'll never forget about him, but I think I'll always be thankful that he thought to do it, as much as it hurt.

If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I'm not okay with being a vampire. I don't think I ever will be, really. But for now, I think that I'm used to it, which is good enough for me.

--

**AN:** So I know I said a little something about there being "a chapter or two and then an epilogue", but that never happened. I tried to write them but it wouldn't work. So I gave up after about five tries of horrible writing and wrote the epilogue to this story. (Now prepare for a monster of a note…)

I know that it's an open ending. I know that there are actually a bunch of loose ends to be tied up. But that's how this story was meant to be. It wasn't meant to leave anyone really "satisfied" with a proper ending, because Jacob will never be satisfied with a proper ending.

Thanks for the few of you who joined me for this writing experience. Here's to the first multi-chaptered fic I have ever finished writing! I really appreciate those of you who've even taken the time to read, whether or not you've commented. I wasn't expecting anyone to take interest so it means a lot that you've given this story a chance. : )

**Thanks to:** _SpiritualEnergy_ and twilightlover333 for reviewing, but also thanks to everyone else for taking the time out of your lives. I can only hope you'll stop by again sometime and read another work of mine eventually, when I have another one to write. : )

**I own my stolen Koodo pamphlets, but not Twilight: that goes to Stephenie Meyer. : )**


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